What’s up? How are you? Hope God is keeping you well!!
It’s been long since I wrote a letter to you!!
Lets see, 21 years? Yeah..that’s when we last spoke when you asked me to take care of my mom and your mom. Life’s come a long way, 21 years passed. Your son has grown from a child to a man. Mom has grown grey hair. Guess what we are looking out for grooms for your lovely daughters. You know your beautiful daughter-in-law. She has not seen you personally but through my eyes and words. Everything is happening in a way it should. The only thing that stings is your absence but nothing can be done, if that’s what god wanted.
Anyway, you know yesterday I went to Bhavik’s house (oh sorry, I din tell you, he is our neighbor in Mumbai) just to have a casual conversation. They were very happy to see me and it feels like now I am a part of their family. You know in one of their conversation Anish uncle (Bhavik’s father) told me that “Son, you would realize when you would become a father!!!” All of a sudden, there was numbness in my heart.
“Father” – A word which I last uttered in July’97. A word which is a world in itself and a world which I lost when I was 10 years old. My mom used to tell me that Dad is up there and is constantly watching you. Dad, I used to look in the sky but I never could see you. There were millions of fathers who have turned into stars – probably one reason why I couldn’t identify you.
Dad, I thought that I would never tell you but childhood was hell without you. You know, mom did not even buy me new clothes. As a child, I was always wondering why she used to gift me clothes always a size bigger and those never appeared new. As I grew up, I understood those belonged to someone else. All my parents’ meeting in school were without you. But I gradually learned to live without you.
I sometimes wonder what exactly did I miss? My studies, my career, my friends, my wife, what??? The answer is no. Everything happened in a way it should have. The pages of my life were unfolding in a manner they were destined to. So what did I miss dad?
Dad, I missed my soul. I missed your hand on my head when I secured good marks. I missed a pat on my back whenever I used to do anything good. I missed your hand to hold when I was learning the toughest lessons of life. I missed your presence to hug when I became Chartered Accountant. I missed to see the smile on your face when your son got married. Dad, above all I missed the 10 YEAR OLD NIRAJ WHO DIED WITH YOU.
Everyone says that you are around me, that you are watching me grow and that you are very happy. Tell me are you happy? I believe them. I have to believe them as these delusional words balm the perpetual wounds. But you are not there..Can I hug you when I want. Hug me Dad!!. I need your hands on my head please. It would calm my soul..Can you?. No you are not here. Nothing is there. You are not there. But your son is strong Dad. I am strong to take care of what you left for me to take care of. Your inspiration..Your wife..My mom !
Dad, you can be at peace..She is happy. She has found you in me! I am her forever companion.
I am now waiting to see you in Afterlife!!. Till then keep missing me as I miss you.
Good night now. I need to sleep. Heart is a lot heavy, can you please come in my dreams!!
Love you Dad!
Your loving son,